Friday, February 11, 2011

A Change of Pace

So lets move on from the mushy to my favorite topic, BOOKS! In short, I love 'em. Can't get enough of 'em. And I want to know some of your favorites because I have the strange fear that someday I am going to run out of books to read, which has led me to hoard them on my kindle app as literary food storage. But I know that choosing a favorite book can be like choosing a favorite child so don't spend too much time thinking about it and just let it out.
Here are some of mine (although this list could be revised over and over again and I would always feel guilty for what I left out).
1. Jane Eyre
2. Wednesday Wars
3. Grapes of Wrath
4. Slaughterhouse 5
5. Poisonwood Bible
6. Animal, Vegetable, Miracle
7. Harry Potter Series (These books made me dream I could do magic, not to be ignored in a list of favs)
8. Hungergames Series
9. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
10. The Bell Jar
11. Their Eyes Were Watching God
12. Cutting for Stone

Ok, so I love all of these books but ranking them is impossible so just know they are all excellent and I can list another 10 or 20 if anyone needs any ideas. My husband loves to gift mixed tapes as music is his love. I give book recommendations. Be careful with my babies :)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A Blog A Day Will Keep The Therapist Away

First, I want to say how thankful I am to have so many loving, caring and compassionate people in my life, family and friends. I am also grateful for the opportunity to give voice to the struggles of others, in many times worse than my own. But let me also say that when I am able to post my thoughts, I am usually at peace, if for not just being able to cathartically write about what I am feeling. Please don't worry that I am curled up on my bed, in my most worn PJs, smothering my face in a tear stained pillow and playing my sad song, "Five String Serenade", on a loop. Don't think that I have spent the day fooling you with a smile while I was internally wilting away.
My posts are compilations of my emotions, battles that I may wage on a daily basis coming to a head for a moment of clarity. I love that I can share these moments with others and that I can find release in writing. While I haven't blogged for a while, I hope to do so more often, the good and bad, the day-to-day and the miraculous moments. Sharing my experiences, mostly through discussion and now through the written word, heals me and keeps me in motion.
And let me just add to the beautiful people in my life who are having similar experiences, or struggles in general, the truth that keeps me on my feet and smiling is that I know I have a Heavenly Father who knows me, loves me and is mindful of my every need. I may sound cheeserific, but that knowledge alone will continue to carry me through the next fertility text, adoption certification, disappointment and, finally, the realization of everything we need to be a family.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

So Tired of NOT being Pregnant

I don't mind reading statuses on facebook that read, "I can't wait to have this baby". I wait on pins and needles along with my sister and sister-in-laws as they await the day when they will get to meet their new baby boy or girl. I understand logically that 40 weeks is a long time to carry a growing life force that kicks and stretches and turns. And I feel for the friend who is a week or two past their due date, feeling bloated and melting in the Arizona sun. But can I just say that I, personally, am tired of NOT being pregnant.
I want to know that my nausea is because of new hormones, my indigestion a cause of eating for two. I want blame my stretch marks on growing life and my spreading hips on preparation for a new arrival. I want my tears to be justified and my sore breasts to be hinting at things to come. It would be nice to not have to lift heavy items because my safety was at risk, to waddle for a reason other than doing too many leg lifts, to be aware of the food I ate for more of a reason then the scale.
But more than anything, I am tired of not being pregnant because I am tired of waiting for a sibling for Jackson, for a piece of Dustin and I to join our family, tired of trying, trying and trying again. I am done with moments of being brought to tears because a commercial or a book or a TV show reminds me of what I try not to focus on a daily basis. Most days are no big deal. But today I am tired of not being pregnant.