Ups and Downs

Dust and I at SeaWorld
(Don't judge, we had been camping and I hadn't looked in a mirror in 4 days!)

So I thought I would give everyone fair warning now that coming very soon, something amazing is going to happen in the Durham household. No, we aren't pregnant, no, we haven't found out where we are going to medical school yet, we aren't buying a house, winning the lottery, going on a cruise, visiting Europe, getting tummy tucks (or nose reductions). We aren't becoming rockstars (although Dustin is still working on that) or running for President (although I think I could beat both candidates).
So, what is coming? Well, I don't know exactly but I'm sure it will be really big and wonderful. Or at least this is what I am telling myself after last week...
So I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this but I think it is important to share certain frustrations in life if for no other reason than to provide others with someone who understands. We have all been there, we have all thought our lives weren't going in the direction we hoped and we have all felt unheard when it comes to our prayers, but hopefully we have overcome this and were able to see the bigger picture. So here it is...
Last week on Sunday night Dustin and I took a pregnancy test (I took the test, Dustin gave the moral support). We only took the test because I had been feeling really worn down for sometime and we thought we should double check before I ingested any medicine. Now, I have taken dozens of these tests and with the exception of the false positive I once received, the answer has always been the same "Not Pregnant" or "-" depending on the test. This night was different, the test was positive, the second test was positive, and we were elated. Even after our first fits of laughter we would scream to each other across the apartment "No Way!". We thought our almost 4 year journey of infertility was over. However, Monday night I saw signs that made me fear miscarriage. We went to the doctor the next day, took blood tests over the next two days, I had the "wonderful" exam done and we waited. But despite the sweetest of reassurances from family and friends I found out on Friday afternoon that what I had feared had come true.
Now I thought I would crumble, I thought that with all of the history, I would falter. But despite the last week having been one of the most difficult that I have done through, I am fine. Dustin is fine. And I think our faith is stronger. Since Friday I have been more acutely aware of all of our blessings and more devoted than ever to adoption because I felt what it is to know I am ready to be a mother and that there is nothing I want more. I feel more aware of other's trials and how small my own frustrations must seem to others. And I know now that because of this trial, and I am sure the many more to come, my joy will be returned ten fold.
So let me clarify my opening statement. Something big is coming to our home, but I don't know when or what, I only feel very assured that we will be taken care of in a time frame that is not our own.
So I hope I didn't weird anyone out by sharing what may be too personal, but this is my journal and the Durham story and I think sharing heps me to heal the best.
Love you all!