Another Bump in the Road...Minus the Bump

Well, it is officially official. A week ago I was 5 weeks pregnant and today I am not. Yes, it was early. Yes, I am lucky I have a beautiful little boy. Yes, at least I know I can get pregnant (every 3 to 4 years). But YES, IT SUCKS.

Three weeks ago my breasts were swollen and sore. I thought it was normal PMS until I realized that my period was still 2 weeks away. A seed of hope began to grow. During the second week of tenderness I would revel at the pain as each day it continued my confidence in being pregnant grew. I took a pregnancy test, it was negative. I took a pregnancy test, it was negative. But I was sure. I took 4 more pregnancy tests and they were positive, although it wasn't until the 4th test that Dustin believed it as well. We didn't dance around the house and sing as we did the first time. We didn't start planning and naming and giggling as we did the first time. But there was a quiet reverence in the house as we crept around each other in awe of our budding miracle.

Then the bleeding started and my heart dropped. I didn't admit it out loud until I told my friend about it at church and that is when the doubt started to trickle in. The next day I made an appointment with the doctor and was told that it was a threatened abortion but that it could go either way. 50/50 were my odds, although with my history it felt more like 90/10. That night Dustin gave me a blessing and like the sweet, genuine, honest and faithful man that he is, he searched for the right words to comfort me but didn't feel right in saying that this pregnancy would continue.

The next day I had another appointment and by this time the anxiety of the situation was overwhelming. I am already an anxious person and the waiting and battle between hope and doubt were more than I could handle. When the doctor told me that my uterus was small but that we would still have to wait for another week, that was my last straw. My car was parked at the top of a steep hill and as I climbed the hill my breath grew shallow and started coming in gasps. By the time I reached my car I could barely breathe. And as I drove home my heart flooded into tears. I couldn't reach Dustin, Jackson was asleep and I felt very alone and very weak. I got on my knees and prayed. I prayed for it to all be OK. I prayed to have a child, for Jackson to have a sibling, for Dustin to not have yet another obstacle to overcome while in school. And in the end I prayed that I would have to strength to go through a miscarriage. My heart felt broken and my spirit felt void. I prayed for peace.

The next morning I didn't feel pregnant. Then I started to cramp. Then I started to bleed. But that same morning I felt at peace. I felt calm and assured. Our home was quiet and we felt joy at watching Jackson totter around us and be the wild, sweet boy that he is.

We are sad for what we almost had and lost but we will be OK as we always have been. I just wanted to share our experience as I know our infertility does not set us apart but allows us to share in others struggles and trials with more compassion and love.